I will.

I will not have friends.

I will never go on dates.

I will jump from school to meeting to work.

I will do my homework.

I will not see my roommates.

I will never eat.

I will try to be happy.

I will never have time.

I will never have time.

I will never have time.



I will struggle.

 but I will try.

Guide Me to Thee

Can we just talk about the Spirit for a second. 

Listen. I have not been doing everything that I should be doing all of the time. 

I forget to read the Book of Mormon. 

I forget to pray.

I think about skipping church. Every Sunday.

I am a very judgmental person.

And yet.

The other day I was praying in my heart for something. Something small that I wanted. I didn't even need it. and it fell into my lap.

This experience taught me something about Heavenly Father.

He doesn't mind.

Not "he doesn't care" because he always cares.

He doesn't mind waiting. Waiting for us to do the right thing.

Waiting for me to swallow my pride and admit I need Him.

He doesn't mind. Nor will He ever mind. 

He will look down at us and say "I'm watching out for you still. Please be better?"

And I will continually fall to my knees and say "I'm sorry."

I want to be better.

and He will always let me.  

Hello Alone.

I'm getting to that point in my life where my news feed is full of

Wedding announcements.

Baby Announcements.

Mission Homecomings.

And honestly it's incredible that such great things are happening to my friends.

But with every "congratulations",

with every "girl or boy?"

with every "Welcome home!"

I am no closer to my

congratulations.

girl or boy.

or even welcome home.




and i want to be.

21 is young.

but it is also time. time for me to stop being on my own.



I've been thinking too much lately.

Rocky Mountain High

Enough about the boring part of my life.

I guess it's about time I filled you in on my INCREDIBLE job.

This last week I had an opportunity to spend a week with a great group of students in Bear Lake.

We went rock climbing.

We went hiking. (I almost died.)

We went to the beach. (I got to try paddleboarding.)

We went on a nature hike.

We went horseback riding. (It reminded me of home.)

We played games.

We had campfires.

We did dances.

And mostly we spent time getting to know one another.

I love those students with my whole heart.

Out of Control

Sometimes things happen and you're like "YES! THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I'VE PICTURED IT IN MY HEAD 1,000 TIMES"

And then other times things happen and you're like "This isn't how I pictured it ever in all of my wildest imaginings."

And that's okay.

I keep thinking that I can control every situation if I just think about it hard enough.

That is not the case.

People have thoughts and brains of their own. I forget that.



Now, my first inclination is to over-react.

Which is exactly what I did today.

But less so than the other brain in this party.



It is a good thing that I have incredible friends.

They remind me that this isn't the end of the world.

And that people change.

And that I've changed.

And that life can't be predicted. Ever.



Who knows what will happen in the near future.

I certainly don't.

Good thing Heavenly Father does.

And it's a good thing that I'm not in charge.




The only thing I can do right now is pray.

And remember that I am small. 

And that Heavenly Father's plan for me isn't anything like my plan for me.

Insanity

It's insane how fast two years can go by.

It's insane how different a person can be after two years. 

It's insane how much a person can like someone after just communicating via email and letter for two years. 

It's insane to keep holding on to something. 

It's insane because I've thought of every situation that could possibly happen.

It's insane because I keep over-analyzing every single thing that has happened for the past two years.

It's insane to keep imagining life with him when it very well could happen without him.

It's insane how much I still care about what he thinks of me.

It's insane how I turn into my high school self every time I think about spending time with him. (What if he doesn't like me, what if, what if, what if.)

It's insane how much I want to hug him.



It's insane. yes.

But I think I'm a little insane.

(I'm coming home to you) Every Night

I never thought this day would come.

Okay just kidding. That's melodramatic.

But I'm down to less than 3 months.

Remember this post?

Well we are almost through these 2 years of service he has dedicated to the Lord.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't thrilled.

But I am worried.

What if he comes home and doesn't like me.

At the end of that post I am talk about maybe being available.

Well. I'm available.

And whenever I talk to him I remember how much I like him and what a good person he is.

I just can't wait to hug him.

80 days.

This will fly by.